A Conversation with Jennifer

me: so

how do you feel about the news?

Jenny: what do you mean?

tv news?

me: no

Jenny: something in particular?

me: brinn baker is Engaged

Jenny: oh, i didn't know

me: the girl i had a crush on in 4th grade.

to be married

Jenny: it doesn't affect me

me: the girl whom, three years later, while i still kind of had a crush on her despite dating a different girl, played my shakesperian lover in a midsummer night's dream

Jenny: oh my god

me: F A T E,, no?

but i'm dealing with ti pretty well.

Jenny: you're totally putting meaning and emotion back where it wasn't

when's the last time you talked to brinn baker?

me: are you telling me i'm projecting?

Jenny: you don't know her

me: in your house, actually.

Jenny: you liked her when you were in FOURTH GRADE

me: becuase cheryl owyoung was there.

Jenny: get over it, we're old

our friends are getting married

me: she was the first girl i had a crush on!

don't dismiss this.

Jenny: ok, ok

i realize this is incredibly significant for you

me: i have, probably subscosciously, evaluated every other girl since then based on the scale of Brinn.

Jenny: PLEASE!

me: She was the first girl who made me feel bad about myslef becuas she was so PERFECT

Jenny: puh-lease

me: I had bad handwriting

and bad spelling

Brinn had flawless spelling

Jenny: oh my god, i can't listen to this male shit

anymore

me: and loopy handwriting.

And

Jenny: i'm so sick of sympathizing with you assholes

i have to go read to kindergarteners

me: i used these off-white notebooks in Ms. Zinc's class

they were from recycled paper

Jenny: I DON'T CARE

me: hers were pure as... paper made from old-growth forests.

Jenny: EVERYONE'S SELF CONSCIOUS

THE WORLD'S BIGGER THAN YOU AND YOUR ISSUES WITH GIRLS

me: NOT BY MUCH

Jenny: THAT'S WHAT EVERYONE THINKS

THAT'S WHY THE WORLD IS CRAPPY

AND WHY YOU FEEL GOOD WHEN YOU'RE OUT IN THE DESERT OR ON TOP OF A MOUNTAIN

seriously, i have to go do more important things

bye.

me: More important things!

Jennifer

you can't ignore me like that! I'm the first important boy you ever dated!

i will not be cast to the relm of 'unimportant things'

Jenny: you are not unimportant

this current bs is

me: In a midsummer nights dream I played Demitrus and she played Helena

do you remember the play?

Jenny: and less important than me feeding myself before going to a local public school to volunteer my time to teach read to kindergarteners

me: at first Demetrius DOES NOT LOVE Helena

Jenny: not that i'm being self-important or anything

me: he loves herme

Jenny: yes, i remember the play

my brother was in it

i saw the ballet

a midsummer night's dream is a a COMEDY, not a DRAMA

dufus

me: but then, Puck rights what is wrong, and makes it so that demetrius loves HELENA and not HERME

Jenny: your troubles induce LAUGHTER

me: and EVERYONE IS HAPPY

Jenny: HAHAHAHA

and you cause all the real sorrow in the world

so don't ask me to feel sorry for you

understand, empathize ,whatever

sympathize, never!

(i'm practicing for my show)

BUCK UP, GROW SOME BALLS, AND BE A MAN

me: you're useless

no one could ever love you!

Jenny: EVERYONE LOVES ME

that's a lie

TO KNOW ME IS TO LOVE ME, WALTER LAMBERSON

me: i need to go take a shower

have fun with the kids, hope you have a good day. i assume it's also cold there?

Jenny: yup

bye

Sent at 11:48 AM on Monday