I Fulfill a Childhood, Forge Legal Documents, and Eat an Insect

Last night, I was told that the University where I lecture will be closed for wednesday, so I won't have to give a lecture. Realizing that I had several days free, I went to a travel agency and asked if I could fly to Leticia in the morning. They said sure, 'but do you have a yellow fever vaccine'. Claro. 'Do you have your document of proof?' Pinche.

First: I did get a yellow fever vaccine about two months ago in the University Hospital. The document I forged--a MS Word document in English with some U of C Hospital clip art slapped on it and a fake doctor's name with a signature to match--wasn't really a lie. I had the vaccine that the law requires I have to enter the southern state of Amazonas. I just didn't have the card. In my mind, they are splitting hairs.

I printed out my shot-record/letter-type-thing at six PM, went to dinner, studied, and then hung out with some brazilians who were in the hostel. I fell asleep around two AM after a far-too-intense attempt at religious conversion by a peruvian. I woke up at Six AM, packed my goods, checked out of the hostel, and went to the airport. I didn't know if it would work, but I bought a ticket, and got in line to go through security where the military police were asking for proof of immunization. I pulled it out, handed it to them, they took it, held it up into the light, turned over the other side to find nothing, pretended to read it for a second, handed it back to me and said 'listo'. I was good.

Then I realized I had forgotten to buy either malaria medicine or insect repellent. The pharmacy at the airport had insect repellent but no malaria meds. I was surprised the airport had a pharmacy. I had an overpriced can of 'off' in my hands when the woman at the register said that there was a better insect repellent. It was 'maximum strengh' she said and it cost five times as much. I was sold. I want the dosage of insecticide that would kill me, minus epsilon as epsilon gets small. When all you know abut the place you are going is that it is the Amazon Rainforest and it's the most virgin rainforest that we have in the world and the most diverse biocosm in the known universe, you are really a sucker for words like 'maximum strengh'. This is a male thing. All I can't tell if the maximum strength bug spray works, all I know is it burns like hell.

I guess I'm used to pilots mentioning points of interest as we fly by them in the US. The grand canyon and Niagara Falls say. So I thought it was novel when the pilot pointed out the equator (I'm in the souther hemisphere). But as the started to descend, the pilot mentioned that, 'we will soon be flying over land controled by the government of the republic of Colombia.' When I think about it, It's good news. I'm glad we did descend on to the area controled by paramilataries, but I really didn't want to be reminded of it.

Descending down on Leticia is incredible. I am the sort of kid who always gets a window seat, and it was well worth it. As you come down the only thing you notice is that EVERYTHING is green everywhere. There is nothing but Extremely thick forest. As you get closer to the pueblo, there are some houses carved out of the selva. And then, all the sudden, there is a rectangle that has no trees. That's the airport.

It differs from an air strip in it's bureacratic structure. the plane lands on the approximation of pavement that constitutes the only runway. It seems like an airstrip. But then there is a guy with the most boring job on earth (if he wasn't a volunteer), who has a stick painted red which he uses to guide the one plane from the one runway to--no, not the gate, there are no gates, but the parking lot. He was putting on his headphones as the plane landed and he dropped his stick not long there after.

Your first reaction when you get off the plane is that it's hot as hell and where can you put your sweter. Your second reaction is 'wholly shit, that's the amazon, right there!'. And your third reaction is, 'who are those people in police uniforms playing the keyboards and singing?'. Those are the Tourist Police of Leticia de Amazonas and that's what they do when the daily flight from Bogotá lands. Three officers in uniform play the keyboard and sing songs-I think three of them-about the Amazon. I don't think they wrote any of the songs, but I'm not sure.

After the worlds most rubber-stamped security check, you are free to go. too..... and there is no one there. There are about 25 people on the flight, and either their families or their pre-arranged tour groups pick them up. If you are like me, you don't have any family or any reservations. You get to walk to the city.

Ultimately, I found a 'taxi' which was a motorcycle (there are very few cars here since there are no roads in or out of the city). He tooke me to the city center. I walked to the River and I sad Wholly Shit Godamn. and I sat around for a while and watched wodden canoes loaded to the brim with Bananas come into the city. This is where your bananas come from.

Later I realized I wanted to take my pants off, and outside of L.A. that means you need a hotel. I don't have a guide book because someone borrowed it and left in another part of Bogotá last night. So I don't know where to stay. I stopped by the pharmacy and bought malaria drugs, and then asked a cab driver if he knew where I could rent a boat to go up the river. We talked for a while, he told me about offers which, he later admitted, were really a rip-off. Then he told me his name was WALTER. And I was all ýo tambien and he was all, sí? and I was all, claro.

And we were basically BFF after that. He said he had some friends who might be able to do it. He made some phone calls, drove me to some peoples houses, and after an hour of looking for his cousin at various bars and billiard clubs in Leticia we found him at his uncle's house in Brazil. (Leticia and the Brazilian city of Tartagomana are seperated by, well, nothin. There is a street that is an international boarder between the two countries. There is a house with an address that is in both countries.) After finding him, we talked about where we would go. He said I needed to rent him a boat and he would take me. I leave tomorrow morning. I will be canoeing and hiking the Amazon and it's tributaries sleeping in some indigenous villages and in no place in particular. I should be back on Saturday.

This is much better, I think, than being an illegal immigrant in brazil for the good reason that when you're in a hammock in a barge down the river you can't really see the rainforest. You see the riverbank. This on the other hand, while a little last minute and unprepared, will have me traveling way up the small tributaries where you might be able to see Wild Beasts. That's what it came down to for me: wild beasts.

I spent the rest of the day walking around in three countries and taking pictures of kids. Some old guy tried to be nice to me and get me to pay him for taking pictures of me. I bought him and his friends two rounds of beer while he told me about how much he hated peruvians and how much money americans have. I didn't really disagree. He liked me because I gave him alcohol. I don't think I really did like him, but I felt bad for him because he was old and because he was poor. He gave me something called chuchuraza, which is an amazonian spirit that tastes like a mix of whiskey and ass. I told him I liked it. He told me he drinks it because he is poor. I don't think he's wrong, but I think alcoholism is probably also part of the reason he drinks it (he said he can drink a bottle in a day). I don't say that to relieve myself from thinking about his poverty. His alcoholism and his poverty are surely related.

Living in the Amazon isn't the carefree paradise that I might hope it is. It's really hard. It's an extremeley poor place. People make a living carying boatloads of bananas from the tops of trees, down the river in boats, to a market where they are sold for lots less than the minimal price we pay for them in the U.S. The peruvian island in the middle is a lot poorer than either the Brazilian or Colombian parts.

Anyway, I came into this internet cafe to get out of the most serious rain I've ever seen in my life. I need to go try to buy ziplock bags before the electricity is turned off at midnight.

So someone who is not me knows: I am going with only the guide west toward puerto narino and the parque amaracuryaca tomorrow. we will go north on some tributary, i don't remember which. I should be in leticia saturday becuase I just bought a sunday flight to Bogotá. Someone should hear from me by Sunday night at the latest. If not, maybe someone could think about that.